HANGING UP EXPECTATIONS TO LOVE PEOPLE

 

               "When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are".
Donald Miller

How do we treat people with respect and love them as we should when our expectations are through the roof? Moving to Italy, I have had a love hate relationship with my expectations. Comparing work, driving and just about everything you can imagine. I know in my heart that it doesn’t work and more to the point, it hasn’t helped and can be responsible for creating barriers and halting progress. Our expectations can come from our deeply engrained prejudices or ways of doing things. Sometimes we are so convinced we are right and that things must happen in a certain way, we refuse to budge or admit we were wrong rather than lose face or even attempt to save those relationships with people who actually cared. Wouldn’t it be great if from now onwards (and not just for Christmas or other special events) we realised that life is more meaningful and happier if we quit tearing up the seeds of others and give their roots a decent watering of acceptance, generosity and patience.

Expectations are described as ‘a strong belief about the way something should happen or how somebody should behave’ (online Oxford Learning Dictionary). There are additional meanings mentioned but this one really highlights the behaviour and intolerance at the moment. We have so many expectations, often created to protect us. They can be fears that we supress and keep us from living freely and being all that we are meant to be. As the author Cathy Rentzenbrink said in her book ‘Write it all down’, “The only way through is to write. Action cures fear”. She suggests starting the page with ‘What do you want?’ and allowing yourself to write down all the things you believe the critics could do. Maybe at this point, it would be good to consider what is the worst people around us could do if we were to relax our expectations? Try writing down three of your top expectations and then another two where your assumptions have gotten you into trouble and finally one where the expectations of others created limitations for you. Taking stock of where we may be missing the mark is not easy for our pride, but rather than risking more serious misunderstandings with long-lasting consequences, consider reflecting on what is really important to you before immediately jumping to conclusions. 

I tend to be very honest with people, but I have learnt to be wary of people who I know will judge me later behind my back and those expectations make it difficult for us to have a deeper conversation based on reciprocal trust and respect. During times when compassion would have been called for, I was judged on how I expressed my ideas, how I spoke, how I expressed myself on the written page and so much more. Unfortunately, there will always be unjustified expectations that someone feels entitled to share. I have then observed that same person in turn speak about their own family and friends with similar expectations. I really believe in treating people how you would like to be treated. I definitely don’t always manage it, but it is something at the front of my mind when and after I apply expectations to something that needed me to react with understanding and kindness. We don’t always manage to forget the expectations of others or ourselves that cost us dearly, but we can choose to forgive, coming out stronger and trying our best to do the right thing, no matter the response of those concerned. Knowledge is an important weapon in combatting assumptions and subsequently moving forward. 

Expectations about when we should do things and in what condition we should be in can put so many of us under unnecessary pressure. If we could just accept ourselves for who we are and quit trying to live up to what everyone else wants of us and aspires for us to become, be it having a certain type of job, the perfect finances, being written off as too old to venture out on certain things, or being expected to handle any situation or treatment thrown at us. It is one thing to know the expectations of others, it is another thing to have them completely dominate your plans and way of life. This season can be a time of mixed emotions for many, but with the promise of resolution and the chance to get back to the core values of what really matters in life. Whichever part of the fence you are on, whether receiving the pressure of expectations of others or offloading your own on those around you, life cannot be experienced to its full intensity unless we will let go of these things. We cannot change others by force and life is too short to even try, so let’s approach one another without the fear of judgment, critical analysis and heavy expectations, and instead actively seek to make things that bit better for those who are a part of our journey in life.